Not Even if You Were Drowning
by MnemeMemory
Summary: The one where Allen is a YouTuber and Kanda is his long-suffering boyfriend, because why not. Yullen.


**Disclaimer** : I don't own DGM. So sad.

"I'm so sorry, dear viewers."

"Oi! What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"He _made_ me do this."

"Are you kidding me?!"

"I had no choice in the matter! None!"

"You _refused to have sex_ unless I agreed to this!"

Allen stared solemnly at the camera. "This was done completely against my will."

" _That's my line beansprout_!"

"It's _Allen_ , Bakanda. A-L-L-E-N!"

Kanda sat as far away from him on the couch as possible, arms folded across his lean chest legs crossed. His long hair was pulled back, and he was sporting a fairly unattractive scowl as he surveyed the camera with acute distaste. "We're not even dating," he grumbled.

Allen shrugged. "You're the closest thing I've got," he said. "I mean, I couldn't have asked Lenalee" – both males shuddered – "And Lavi…"

"The stupid rabbit would enjoy this so much," Kanda said.

Allen scowled at him. "How about you shut up and answer the questions, alright?" he said. "Besides, I don't have sex with Lavi."

Kanda's face darkened. "You'd better not."

Allen's mouth turned upwards. "Don't worry," he cooed. "I won't cheat on _you_ , pookie-bear."

Kanda lunged at him, but Allen just laughed and rolled underneath him, sitting up on the other side of the couch. When Kanda whirled around, Allen said casually: "Hey, that should be a great shot of your ass. Stay like that."

Kanda blanched and twisted. Allen used the distraction to snag Kanda by his coat and pull him down next to him. "Stay."

"Get _off_ me you stupid beansprout!"

Allen's eye twitched, but his smile remained otherwise pleasant. "Stay, or I'll tell Koumi that you propositioned to Lenalee."

Kanda went curiously still. "What?"

"I have it on video," Allen added, a touch viciously. "Remember my eighteenth birthday party, where everyone was getting sloshed –"

"That _didn't happen_ you lying little –"

Allen pulled out his phone and swiped a few times. Then he held it out for Kanda's inspection, only to jerk it back at the last second with a supremely evil grin on his face. "Ah uh," he said. "No destroying my phone this time. Remember, I have _copies_."

Kanda snatched the phone away from him, eyeing the video with distain. "I wouldn't have to keep _breaking_ them if you stopped _filming_ everything I did," he said.

"Maybe if you figured out how to actually use a phone like a normal person, then you could just _delete_ things instead of breaking them!"

Kanda smirked. "But where's the fun in that?"

Allen snatched the phone back from him and turned once again to face the camera. "Big smiles, now," he said.

"No."

" _Kanda_."

Kanda looked unimpressed. "Usual blackmail rules apply," he said. "After this, you delete that video."

"Yeah, yeah," Allen said. "Alright, then. Take two!"

Kanda's head fell back against the couch. "I hate you," he said. "So much. I hate you so much."

"I love you too," Allen simpered, before turning back to directly face the camera. "Hey! Sorry for how late this is, but my _boyfriend_ " – Kanda made a small noise of protest, which was immediately smothered by Allen's hand over his mouth – "Proved to be uncooperative. But I know how much you guys have wanted to meet him, so here he is! Kanda, say hi."

Kanda wrenched the hand away. "I'm not a fucking dog, Walker!"

"Isn't he cute?" Allen said. "Now, on to the _real_ reason my boyfriend" – he quickly reapplied the hand to forestall any response – "insisted on this video is because of the sad lack of his presence on my channel. I apologise, viewers! I do! I just didn't think the internet was ready for his unique brand of – ow fuck Kanda what the hell!"

Kanda bared his teeth at the camera, shoving Allen's hand away from his mouth. "I am doing this against my will."

"I think I might be _bleeding_ ," Allen said, waving his hand around crazily at the camera. "Abuse! Abuse! Did you see that, viewers?"

"Oh shut _up_ ," Kanda groaned. "Can we get this over with? I have training soon."

Allen rolled his eyes and cradled his injured hand in his lap. "Fine, fine. Just let me get the questions up."

"Why are we even doing this?" Kanda said. "I have so many things I'd rather be doing than hanging out with you."

"Koumi," Allen said, and Kanda huffed out an irritated sigh.

"Fine, whatever. Let's get this over with."

"Great! Now, for the first question…" Allen squinted at the screen. "Where did we meet?"

Kanda's eye twitched. "At Lenalee's party. Next question."

Allen cackled. "Ah, but there was _so much more_ to it than that! You see, our friend Lenalee – the same Lenalee from the channel InnocentHeart3 – had been talking up this mysterious badass kendo champion for months, but we'd never had the chance to meet. So when she told me he was actually coming, I was _thrilled_."

Kanda gritted his teeth and glared at the ceiling. " _Sure_ you were, beansprout."

"My _name_ is _Allen_ , Bakanda!"

"Glutton!"

"Jerk!"

"Short!"

"Stupid!" Allen's face smoothed over, and he smashed his face into Kanda's to cut off his next insult. Kanda jerked back, but Allen was insistent, kissing him until he started kissing back. When he was satisfied, Allen pulled back with a deep sigh. "We were getting off track."

"You'd better cut this out of the video," Kanda said darkly.

"For sure!" Allen smiled. "Anyway, where was I?"

"We were moving on to the next question."

"No! I remembered," Allen said. "So when I got to Lenalee's party, Lavi – PirateHistorian101 – grabbed my arm and shoved me into her closet! Which is where I met _this_ grump."

"Che," Kanda said.

"We destroyed most of Lenalee's shoes in retaliation," Allen reminisced. "When he finally tried to stop killing me."

"You _groped_ me."

"I _fell_ on you," Allen corrected. "Lavi pushed me really hard!"

" _Next. Question_."

"Fine," Allen said, glancing back at his phone. He frowned when he realised the screen had darkened, and turned it back on. "What was our first date?"

Kanda rolled his eyes. "We don't date."

Allen beamed. "That first time you invited me to a kendo tournament. It was _great_. Watching you beat up all those people was so hot…" he trailed off dreamily.

Kanda snorted. "We don't date," he repeated.

"Spoil sport," Allen muttered, shoving Kanda's arm. "Fine, fine. Let's see – where was our first kiss, and was it?"

"None of anyone's fucking business," Kanda said immediately.

Allen smirked. "It was _terrible_ ," he said. "All teeth and no skill. Also I was underage, so I guess it was illegal?"

Kanda gawked. " _You_ kissed _me_!"

"Yeah, because you weren't ever going to," Allen said. "It was just after one of his tournaments, and he was all flushed and sweaty and gross. Lavi took _pictures_."

Kanda stiffened. "He what?"

"Fuck," Allen said.

"I'm going to _kill that rabbit_ –!"

"Calm down, I've managed to get most of the copies. Besides, I've got too much on him for him to ever actually publish them. _Anywhere_."

Kanda studied Allen for a few seconds, then shrugged. "At least you use your evil powers for good _sometimes_ ," he said.

"Thank you!" Allen grinned. "Alright, so…" he messed around with his phone for a few seconds. "Um, first impressions?"

"That you were too forward," Kanda said immediately. "Also short. Like a _beansprout_."

Allen sneered at him. "For the last time, Lavi _pushed_ me, I didn't grope you on purpose! And I'm _not a beansprout_!"

"Of course, _beansprout_."

"Allen! My name is _Allen_ , Bakanda, and – and I'm getting distracted again," Allen blew out a furious breath. "Alright, fine. My first impression of you was a fist to the gut."

"You had just _groped me_."

"You're really touchy about that," Allen said. "It's the hair, isn't it? People keep hitting on you cause they think you're a girl."

Kanda's eyes sparked angrily – and then he smirked. "I didn't see you complaining about it last night."

Allen opened his mouth, then frowned and closed it. He shook his head. "So it's safe to say we didn't really get along at first," he said, eyes slightly glazed. He cleared his throat and looked down at the next question. "Right, when did you meet the – fuck."

Kanda's eyes narrowed. "What?"

"I'll cut this bit out," Allen said. "Family question."

Kanda shifted away. "Ah."

"Moving on," Allen smiled. "Do we have a tradition?"

"He keeps groping me," Kanda offered, glaring at the camera.

"Oh, like you can complain," Allen scoffed. "And you keep trying to kill me, so we're even."

"Can I leave now?"

"What was our first road trip?"

Kanda snorted. "We've never been on a road trip."

"Yes we have," Allen contradicted cheerfully. "When I dragged you to VidCon. Man, that was _great._ "

Kanda's eye twitched. "We agreed to never speak of that again," he said.

"Oh, yeah…" Allen sighed. "Fine, fine – who said 'I love you' first, and where we? Um, I did."

Kanda sighed loudly and threw his head back onto the couch. "Not this again."

"I'm the _only_ one to have said 'I love you'," Allen said, looking soulfully at the camera. "Look how mean he is to me. He can't even admit that he _likes_ me most of the time."

"Beansprout," Kanda said warningly.

"My name is _Allen_ , Bakanda!" Allen snapped back automatically, then he shook his head. "And I've no clue when I started saying it."

"You just say it to piss me off!"

"And it always works," Allen said, smiling. "Alright, next up…" he read the question and started laughing.

Kanda shifted around on the couch, trying to move away, but Allen both his legs over Kanda's, trapping him. "What new and invasive question is it now?"

"What do we argue about the most?"

Kanda looked blank. "…everything?"

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Allen said, nodding. "Okay, so who wears the pants of the relationship? Uh oh."

"Think very carefully before you answer that, beansprout."

"It's _Allen_ ," he said. "And I like to think we stand on equal footing in this relationship. Neither one of us has more influence than the other."

Kanda arched an eyebrow.

" _Okay_ ," Allen sighed. "It's totally me."

" _Beansprout_!"

"What?! You looked like you wanted me to be honest! What, do you want me to _lie_?"

Kanda let out a growl and threw Allen's legs off, getting up and grabbing his cloth-wrapped shinai, which was leaning against the wall just off-screen. "I don't have time for this shit," he snapped. "I'm already late. And there is _no way_ you wear the pants in this relationship."

Allen _beamed_. "So you agree that we _have_ a relationship!"

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Kanda snarled, storming off.

Allen fell back against the couch and started laughing, grinning from ear to ear. He looked directly at the camera and said, "Isn't he _cute_?" and then started laughing again.

 **A/N** : cross-posted from Tumblr, because why not. Clearly, I'm on a DGM kick at the moment. _upon your shoulders_ will be updated next week on Saturday, as usual.

ALSO! I am not sorry. Not the slightest. Inspiration hit me like a sledgehammer to the head – _bam!_ – and so now I impart it to you. NO APOLOGIES. NONE.

Also, I am very proud that Kanda made it through the whole ordeal without stabbing Allen. Very proud.


End file.
